Connecting Coaches, Creatives, & Curious Folks through what's emerging in this moment

Posts tagged ‘co-active coach’

Losing Mom ~ The Co-Active Way

 

I am Helen.

Losing a parent isn’t supposed to be easy.  If they’ve loved you well, or if you’ve done your IMG_0167work about how they didn’t, the loss can feel unbearable.  When we’re in pain we often default to our most toxic behaviors.  When our mom died recently that was definitely an option.  As I grieve my mother’s death, I also sit in awe of my siblings, sisters-in-love, and that rising generation of my children, niece, nephews, and their loves.  We could have put all of our tools in the closet and forgotten what we know.  We could have set aside what we teach and preach and become lesser versions of ourselves.  It’s always an option.  We are creatures of habit ~ and choice ~ after all.

We could have.  And we didn’t.

Instead, we experienced the beauty and power of what we teach profoundly.

I could outline every bit of each of CTI‘s models – The Co-Active Coaching Model, The Co-Active Leadership Model, and the Co-Active Leadership Map – and give you point by point examples of how we lived from them in the weeks leading up to and following Mom’s death.  Since that would be overkill (!) I’ll point to those that keep whispering to me in these days since everyone’s left the cocoon and entered back into ordinary time.

Dance in This Moment:  We thought she had longer.  Every time we came up with a plan, the circumstances changed.  Staying fluid, flexible, and willing to both have a plan and throw it out the window at any given moment proved to be vitally important.   People die at their own pace.  We can’t slow it down or speed it up.  It just is what it is.  We must be willing and able to dance in each moment and choose again and again what to do and how to be.

Ask for what you need:  Because things change, and there are things that are vitally important in our lives that we mustn’t miss, it’s so crucial to not fall victim to our life’s demands.  We asked for help, we urged each other to act, we got replacements, we let go of short-term needs, we waited a little longer or came a little sooner.  We moved things, cancelled things, and let our Naturally, Creative, Resourceful and Whole world be okay while we moved through this vital time in our lives.  Because we also fail at this, we are forgiving ourselves and each other for where we didn’t do this enough or where the impact was not a good one!

Design a Stake ~ Align Around It:  In Leadership we say every experience or event you lead needs a stake.  Imagine a wooden stake pounded into the ground holding the Big Top securely to handle anything the crowds or winds throw at it.  A Stake is a core concept or Unknownidea – a belief or imperative – that the leaders are tethered to.  It’s that idea that, no matter how wrong things sometimes feel like they’re going, remembering it helps you find your way back to center.  Our family designed a stake for how we’d be together in the days after Mom’s passing as we planned the Memorial Service and sorted her estate.  Together, we came up with “When we let go and let God, Magic and Integrity happen.”  This was co-created and co-held.  Again and again we found our way back to our center and to each other by remembering our stake.  I believe most of us are still holding it even as we’re finding our way back to life in a post-Mom world.

Listen from the Heart:  This was key throughout the process.  We turned up the volume on it each morning after she died by passing a talking stick in her living room.  imagesA Talking Stick Ceremony is used in many indigenous traditions as a way of having every voice be heard, grounding our words in community, and putting our hearts in a place of receiving and being received.  Each morning we gathered and passed the stick sunwise (clockwise).  One by one,  we each stated our name, spoke from our hearts whatever was present in that moment, and the rest of us listened fully from our hearts. When the words of each person were complete, they said “I have spoken” or “These are my words”.  It’s common for the group to respond with “Ho”, which means essentially “My heart has heard your heart”.  Sometimes, in honor of Mom, we threw in a “Thankka God!” for good measure!  These daily ceremonies grounded us, made way for heartbreak and humor, were a place to share the wild dreams we were having, and  could be thought-filled, teary, blah, frustrated, or whatever.  There was room for all of it with no judgement or care-taking.  This was my children’s first go at a talking stick ceremony, and I must say they added considerably to the experience.  These were some of my most sacred memories from our time together.

Create from Self, Other, Nothing, and Everything:  Yes.  All of it.  Do this.

Honor your Truth ~ Be true to who you are:  In Leadership, we have a powerful typing system called “I AM” Typing.  The purpose is to find that most authentic, impactful, engaging, innate leader within each of us.  Though not quite EVERY member of my family has done CTI’s Leadership Program (though 5 of us actually LEAD it!), I experienced every member of my family being fully who they are and being honored and appreciated for that.    I think every type was represented.  Family roles were respected and honored, but not defaulted to.  Needs didn’t trump wants nor the other way around.  Egos were in check.  Honesty and Love both had room.

Co AND Active – Be AND Do:  There’s so much to feel when a great one dies.  There’s also so much to do!  It’s easy to get lost in one or the other.  Really easy.  It’s rare to be in such an intense experience and have so much room for BOTH to be fully honored, respected, and have space made for them.  The daily talking stick got the CO side of things, or Being side of things, firmly established up front.  By taking time for this, when it was complete each day we could all feel the urgency and desire to get ACTIVE or get Doing.  There was MUCH to DO… and without the Being having full permission, the doing never would have been so manageable.

STAY… and Stay some more:  The Co-Active Leadership Map has “Stay” on it twice because it’s so important!  It says “Stay”… then “Level 3″… then “Stay” again.  There were so many times when I wanted to GO… to run… to not feel… to eat or drink or disappear into numbness.  It continues as the days and weeks go by.  And yet, STAY we must!  I must stay with this process, stay with my stake, stay with myself, my family, and with the empty hole left behind by my mother… I must listen into the “level 3” aka the environment, the energy, the calling of Mother Life… and I must stay some more.  The next URGE is on the horizon.  What I need and what the world needs will be calling soon… if I don’t STAY, I’ll never hear it.  So stay we did, stay we must, and stay I will.

There are many stories of family discord, disaster, and resentment driven separation in the wake of loss.  My hope is that if even one part of this process was meaningful to you, that you’ll carry it into your next time of intensity.  Lead from whichever part of the experience you’re called to lead from, and make it different from what Life’s default settings would ask it to become.  Let’s plant the seeds of change in whatever system we’re called to lead in ~ family or otherwise ~ shall we?

These are my words.

MVHSeedsofChange

Margo House bedecked in seed packets of forget-me-nots, daisies (Marguerites), and bursting with the blooms of the seeds of change she planted throughout her impactful life.

Deathwatch and Mediporn

cosmic-eyeI’m dying. Every day I’m a day closer to being dead. Cells die off constantly throughout my body. And if I’m lucky and intentional enough about it, old habits, rules, ideas, and useless behaviors die along with those cells.

I’m being born. Every day, new cells in me are created. Every day new life emerges in this very body bringing me more alive all the time. New ideas emerge, new thoughts, relationships, and neural pathways are born bringing me ever closer to the Light we all strive for.

I’m living. Each day that my heart is beating, my lungs are doing their job, and the neurons keep firing; I am living. Each moment that I seek new learning, share with others, or engage in anything that lights my fire – I am very, very ALIVE.

Which part of me are you going to interact with? The dying part? The being created anew part? Or the living part? They all matter. They all have relevance… a particular role to play in this cycle of Life.

When I asked my client today, “What are the conversations you’re avoiding?” he replied with, “I don’t talk to people who are on deathwatch any more.” When I asked him to elaborate he described those people who don’t know how to deal with the fact his illness is terminal, they don’t know how to relate to him as a living being, but rather because they’re so distressed by the idea they’ll lose him one day and that they won’t know how to handle that themselves; they seem to be just waiting for him to die. They’re on deathwatch.

When time is in short supply, and the energy one has to share with any given person in a day is limited, the last thing someone who is dancing with an illness needs is to be the caretaker in a conversation – the one making it okay for everyone else that they happen to be dying a little faster than the rest of us probably are.

I asked if he was tired of people resorting to asking for report outs about his current physical state. After chatting about how we all tend to let our curiosity be about ailments, effects of medication, and have an incessant need to know why this or that happened, he blurted out “Mediporn!” (more…)

Moving Through Pain Moving Through

images-1“That’s the thing about pain,” Augustus said, and then glanced back at me. “It demands to be felt” ~ John Green (from The Fault in Our Stars)

Last year, I sold my house and moved across town to the lower level of my mother’s condo.  It took me 6 months to complete the move which included my mom’s condo being remodeled, prepping my home to sell, and getting rid of many things.  There was much pain associated with that move: letting go of so much stuff, moving my kids out of our home, and selling a home I loved.

And then, things settled.

Once settled, I felt FREE.  My medical debt was erased, my life was smaller and simpler, my kids were finding their way without me, and my mom was healthy enough that I could move about my life quite freely without worrying about her.   There was this precious window of time that I knew I must savor, because I knew it was to be short-lived.  Wasn’t sure why, just trusted my gut.

Now, we’re moving again.  Not across town, but instead cross country to New York.  My belongings must be further shed.  More pain must be felt.  I’m getting used to this.  I hold something in my hands that I’ve held since childhood and decide.  Sometimes, there’s no pain at all, and I just toss it.  Sometimes, a wave hits me, I feel it… then put it in a box for Goodwill.  Other times, it just goes back into a box to keep.  For now.  It’s a funny thing about this pain though; When I let myself feel it, get familiar with it, let it move whatever it’s meant to move… it then moves on.  It doesn’t linger.  It doesn’t grab hold and make me suffer as I sometimes imagine it will.  As John Green said in his film and book, The Fault In Our Stars, it DEMANDS to be felt.  Once it is, it often quiets right down.

In this move, there are things I haven’t felt the pain of yet – some by choice, some just because I haven’t gotten to them yet.  The more I get clear that I just need to be willing to feel it, the more clear I am that I’ll soon be free – perhaps more free than I’ve ever been.

As I’ve worked with coaching clients through the years, often where they get stuck is around something that will result in feeling some pain.  They’re afraid sometimes, and usually it’s a fear they’ll feel pain of some kind.  I’m thinking now that part of my job as a coach is to help them remember that pain demands to be felt, that it’s only pain, and that there is tremendous freedom on the other side.

What sayeth you?

Freely yours,

Helen

 

 

It’s Opener There

Seuss Wide Open AirFor years I’ve been reading Dr. Seuss’s “Oh the Places you’ll Go!” with great enthusiasm to groups of adults ‘kindergarten style’ celebrating the wonderful way Seuss invites us all to boldly claim our lives. “Except when you don’t, because sometimes you won’t” has become a philosophy of life, always reminding me to stay optimistic and believe in possibilities, while knowing there’s always a chance things won’t go as planned. Dashing boldly out into the wide open spaces where “it’s opener there in the wide open air” , however, has not always been my forte. Though some may disagree, in my book, I often play it safe.

A month or two ago, my mother was griping about our endless winter. Though she’s not what I’d call a complainer, around March each year the weather whining starts. This year, the ice finally left Lake Superior on June 4th which gifted us with extra time to moan and groan about the length of winter!  After listening to her mild complaints, I casually said one day, “We could move, y’know.”

Fast forward to today; We have a signed contract for the purchase small57Fernbankof a new house in Delmar, NY!  (I know I know… it’s not exactly WARM there in winter either!) My mother’s condo is on the market with potential buyers lined up to look. When my mom makes up her mind about something, it happens in short order. That’s how she rolls.

In the midst of it all, I find myself in a most curious state. On the one hand, I have saboteurs that are having a heyday with me about being in my 50s, single, and living with my mother, moving to a state I never imagined myself living, and squeezing myself back down into one bedroom after 30 some years of being an adult with my own home. Nothing about it feels permanent to me. It’s a bit like I’m going on an extended trip and part of it will involve time travel back to my childhood. Buckle up!

On the other hand, everything about this feels Right. Capital ‘R’ Right. Deep in my bones and heart Right. It’s (more…)

After Choice ~ Sprouting Wings

yin_yang_treeThis has been a pensive couple of weeks for me as at this time two years ago I was hanging out in the ICU of Marquette General Hospital learning a lot about living, dying, choosing, and how important oxygen is.  At this same time last year the thoughts were actually too overwhelming for me to sort through and write about, so I let the date pass by barely noted.  I took it so far as to let blogging pass by altogether and only wrote 3 posts in 2012.  Now I feel just that much farther away from the experience that if feels like a good time to capture some of the memories and begin to share some of my learning.  Bear with me please, as this is likely to get long.  I’m giving myself full permission though, as pivotal moments in one’s life should not be forced to meet our tweet-sized attention spans.

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It is an incredibly frightening thing to not be able to take a breath.  I have easily accessible flashback images in my mind of my body bucking, eyes wide, wrists in restraints, as I struggled to suck oxygen into pneumonia-filled lungs.  “This must be what it feels like to drown”, I thought.  “If I could gasp harder, maybe I could get enough.”  But there was no room at the inn… no place to put a breath, even if I could manage to coax it into my crowded lungs.

And then… (more…)

Coaches: Market to Awakeness

For 17 years I’ve been coaching clients and keeping my private coaching practice nicely filled ~ in spite of not having a website, not having a declared niche, waiting 13 years to get a business card,  and never attending a single official networking event.  In reality, I do network like mad because I lead workshops that train people to become Co-Active Coaches and Leaders, I lead and attend retreats and conferences, I go to exotic places (like the grocery store), and Facebook is a 24/7 networking party begging participation.  In the last few days, I’ve been linking random thoughts to share with you as a way to think about things to make getting clients natural and easy.

Believe it or not, my thinking starts with a little iPhone app called ‘Sleep Cycle’This is the most fascinating thing!  For those of you not yet enamored with it, here’s how it works:  Set the alarm for when you want to wake up and choose a window of time prior to your wake-up time within which you’d like to be awakened.  I like 30 minutes.  Then place the phone face down on your bed, under the sheet, and fall asleep.  Feel free to fall asleep to the sound of waves or rain and such if you like.  The phone feels the vibration of the bed and determines how deep your sleep based on its sensing system.  It graphs this for you and gives you a nice little read out of your sleep cycle.  The coolest part is that it determines when you are the MOST awake in that 30 minutes prior to alarm time and ever so gently wakes you up right then.  It doesn’t rip you out of your deepest sleep, but rather it whispers you awake when you’re on the verge of awakening.  It’s hard to wake up crabby when sweet bells are chiming and cheering my nearly awake self on!

https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTYaGh1vJdVPYo3C8VMDEGa2gM_EEivv23C1Y76ZZR7qEfNcRVMugThe next thought is inspired by something I’m studying that I’m totally not qualified to teach or explain just yet!  Rather than give you the language or try to share the teachings, I’ll give you my very over-simplified language for it.  (The terms have been changed to protect the innocence of the true brilliance of the teachings from the newbie I am!)  People can be divided into two basic categories: those who are walking the Earth but not yet awake… and those who are WIDE AWAKE or fully conscious.  Let’s call the first group the ‘Sleep Walkers’; those who go through the motions of life, but have not yet awakened to the full potential of life and their role in it.  ‘Awake Humans’, on the other hand, are wide awake and understand that they are part of something larger than themselves… perhaps Divine in nature.  They pay attention and know the path they’re on is one of evolving consciousness.

So…. I was thinking…. as coaches we need to be looking for those ‘Sleep Walkers’ that are the most ready to awaken and just give them a gentle tap… a whisper… a simple ‘chime’. Too often coaches market to those who are in their deepest state of sleep by marketing always to the ‘need’ or ‘lack’ in people. They wonder why it’s hard to get a yes. (Think of how hard it is to awaken a child from a deep sleep… it’s nearly impossible!)  If we catch folks who are on the brink of moving from ‘Sleep Walkers’ to ‘Awake Humans’, and we catch them when they are at their peak of wakefulness in their sleep, they will hear the call!  If we whisper or chime the bell in the ears of those who are in their Awakened Humanness already, and again we look for when they too are most primed and ready, they will heed the call.  And man-oh-man, are they fun to coach!

If nothing else, I say it’s way more fun and satisfying to look for awakeness in the world than try to awaken people from their deepest sleeps.

What say you, oh wise ones?  I’m always eager to dialogue with you!

Psssssst, are you AWAKE?

Peace,
Helen

People Don’t Change – An Optimistic Viewpoint

My new theory:
People don’t ever really change, and that’s exactly as it should be!

If you’re a coach or client, you may think I’m crazy to type that out loud.  You may be grimacing at your computer, coming up with loads of examples that prove me wrong.  You stand by to feverishly defend your websites that boast magical abilities to support clients in living into their potential.  We are, after all, in the business of evoking transformation, aren’t we?  If so, how can this be true?

Last month, I got to hang out with my mother and three of her childhood friends.  For 10 days I didn’t really talk to anyone under the age of 83.  These are 4 very accomplished, out-spoken, well-educated, liberal, fun women.  I was the Sherpa and chauffeur on their annual reunion trip, this time to the Florida Keys.  Throughout our trip,  I felt I could see them across time at ages like 4, 8, 13, 19, 26, 35, 47, 56, 64, 72, and now in their 80s.  I could see how, though hips and bits may get replaced, some things truly never change.  Best of all, I could see how GREAT that is! (more…)

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